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Jalapeño Poppers

Red Hatchet Makes Jalapeño Poppers

jp_1We love to cook, and we do it all the time. There’s no question that knowing your food is an important survival skill both indoors and out in the wild. Eat to live in the outdoors, but cook to reproduce in the city.jp_2 If you’ve covered the essentials like showering and being nice, chances are that you can impress a woman out of her clothes with some culinary magic. This recipe for a classic is easy and fun to make, and requires almost no technique at all. We tried a few variations, and we think we’ve nailed it…jp_6


  1. Jalapeños.jp_12
  2. Cream Cheese.
  3. Other Cheese (Cheddar, Monterey Jack, Fancy Cheese, whatever.)
  4. Bacon, or Turkey Bacon (put down your pitchfork, we’ll get to that part later.)jp_14


  1. An Oven, preheated to 400 degrees F.jp_18
  2. A baking sheet.
  3. Some tinfoil.
  4. Cooking spray.
  5. A butter knife.
  6. A cutting board.
  7. A bowl.

That’s all.

Hollow ’em Out

Peppers generally get their heat from the seeds inside them. I like to leave a couple in because spice is life, but for those fearing the ring of fire should take them all out. All you need to do is chop the top off the pepper, and use the butter knife to scrape the sides clean. Putting the pepper under the tap and letting it fill with water is a good way to get loose seeds out. This process probably takes the most time. I recommend throwing on some music or a TV show, depending on how many you’re making. Keep in mind that the pepper juice is hot, and if you rub your eyes or scratch your butt, you’re going to have a very bad time. Some people even wear gloves when handling peppers as tame as the jallie.

Fill ’em Up

Some people like cream cheese filling, some people like velveeta-style melting cheese. We found that a mix of normal cheese and Philly is best. Cut your cheese into little cubes, and mix them all up with the cream cheese in a bowl. You can season this mixture if you want to ratchet up the heat: a bit of salt, chili powder, and your favorite hot sauce will take things up a notch. Use the butter knife to mush the mixture down into each pepper, cap them off, and set them aside.


Wrap ’em in Some Kind of Bacon

Still have your pitchfork out over the turkey bacon issue? Let me explain: turkey bacon gets way crispier than pig bacon. The reason is that it’s comparatively low in fat, and since it’s consistent in content, it makes a really good textural element, and still tastes like bacon. I love the crunch of a battered and fried popper, which is why I gave it a shot. I loved the way they turned out. If you’re a pig purist, by all means: use your favorite! Cover your baking sheet in tinfoil and spray some Pam on. As you finish rolling up each popper, place the loose end of bacon down on the tray so that they don’t come unravelled.


Cook ’em

Let them bake at 400 degrees for around 35 minutes. You’ll be able to tell that they’re done when the filling is running out of the top and the bacon looks perfectly cooked. The end result should have a crisp exterior that gives way to a pleasantly firm yet supple pepper. Contained within that spicy vegetation will lie a flavorful and spice-subduing combination of cheeses that is melty, creamy, and satisfying.

On second thought make these alone- if you do it right, you won’t need a date.

You have been warned.

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